Arguably, one of the hardest things in any relationship is telling the other that you are hurt, upset or disappointed. Finding the right words, keeping the other from going defensive, and also preserving the relationship, is hard.
Not telling the other is in many cases a bad solution. It means the issue is not discussed and for you, that means that it may linger. It doesn’t help in preventing whatever happened from happening again. And it doesn’t make you feel good about yourself.
But how do you do this, especially when the stakes are high? There are different forces at play, at home or at work. When discussing with your co-workers or boss, a thoughtful approach is helpful. But when you are a supervisor yourself, you may want to use different tools than just giving out orders or directives. In all cases, you want to maintain and strengthen your relationship. A few things to consider:
- Wait – Waiting a little bit may take the edge off your emotions. It will help you calm down or lower your blood pressure. If you write down your thoughts in a note or letter, keep it on your nightstand or in your bag for a bit of time. Looking at it a few days later may help you to change or soften the tone.
- Prepare yourself – A difficult discussion, with high stakes, is not a task you want to do by winging it. Give yourself time, and think of what you want to discuss, and why. You can write a letter – even if you shouldn’t send it right away – you can have talking points, as long as you think ahead what the message is you want to bring across. Focus on the issue at hand, and avoid bringing up other, older issues.
- Use the correct words – your very first word can make or break the rest of the message. As your goal is to get a resolution for your issue, blame is not the way to go. Avoid using the word ‘you’ in your message, as it may come across accusatory, and cause the other to defend him- or herself. For example: don’t say “you didn’t do that thing I asked you to! I have to do everything myself!”, but try “I felt let down when the task I asked for wasn’t completed. Can we discuss how to avoid this in the future?” Make sure you are specific. Your preparation will help. For supervisors, this can be a very powerful tool to create ownership and accountability.
- Be prepared for a different outcome than you expect or hope – Even though you may choose your words carefully, you ensure the timing is right, and you remain calm and solution-oriented, you may not get an apology or a plan on how to avoid whatever happened. You may get a response that the other person is hurt too. That may be very true, but you may want to finish your discussion and park that response for later. Or, the other person doesn’t care, or doesn’t play ball. It is not a guarantee this works. But when you are prepared, you know exactly when to drop it. Remember: you want to make your point, but strengthen the relationship, too.
- Avoid tricks – The “feedback sandwich” is one of these tricks. You say something positive, then you say the thing you mean to say, and you finish with something positive. Although it is good to ensure that you compliment the other where needed or deserved, this technique is not the right tool at the right time. Focus on the points you want to bring, and don’t dilute those – nor the compliments that may very well be deserved – by using this cocktail. Keep it real, and honest.
- Be solution-oriented – Look, preferably together, for a solution to make the problem go away, or prevent it from happening again. Agree to do certain things in the future to avoid the reaction it had on you. And it helps to look for the solutions together. Try not to just solicit the solution from the other, while you stand there, tapping your shoe impatiently. You have a lot to gain, as well, so invest in a solution together.
As this indeed is a tough topic, I am sure we can learn from each other. If you have experience with this or you have additions, I invite you to share these in the comments!
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